3 Generations, 1 Table, Every Week

The single metric that can rescue the modern family

Business guru Jim Collins pointed out the power of the single metric when he wrote, “There’s one metric that towers above all others, one metric to track with obsession, one metric upon which the greatness of the entire enterprise hinges.”

It’s not easy to find, but for every organization, there’s one metric that, once everyone is focused on it, brings every activity into such focus and provides such crystal clarity that maintaining that focus makes achieving the mission a matter of time.

I’ve seen the power of a single metric in practice. The drive to have the Bible translated into every language caught the attention of Mart Green from the Hobby Lobby family. The Green family brought together all the organizations involved in Bible translations into a single effort focused on a single metric called IllumiNations, which took this effort from a 100+ year dream to entirely achievable by 2033.

The hidden reason sports are so intoxicating is the power of the single metric — the scoreboard. Imagine a sport attempting to gain popularity without a straightforward way to keep score. That’s the game I was playing in our attempt to achieve our mission to restore the biblical blueprint of the family as a multigenerational team on mission.

Recently, I met with a group of leaders from various family ministries, and we discussed the challenge of finding a single metric to rally around that would focus our efforts on restoring the family. I spent two months thinking about this problem, and at a gathering in a hotel in Denver, an idea struck me that I want to share with all of you. This is my proposal for a single metric that could focus our efforts and achieve our mission.

Here’s the metric: Three Generations, 1 Table, Every Week.

Could we count how many families have achieved this goal?

I would guess that less than 5% of families are experiencing this kind of weekly meal.

In contrast, I would guess that more than 50% of families in the State of Israel participate in this practice.

We’ve lived in Israel on and off for the past 30 years, and seeing Gen 2 and Gen 3 families and individuals stream by the thousands to Gen 1’s house on Friday afternoon in time for Shabbat dinner is a sight that is seared into my mind. Israel is also the only country in the developed world with an above-replacement rate, and second place isn’t even close (see the table below).

High fertility after a culture has achieved relative affluence results from a single variable: the closely connected multigenerational family.

I’ve been training families for the past 20 years, and I’ve learned something shocking: if a family crafts a weekly, enjoyable, intimate family meal designed for three or more generations, that family will not be able to stop their family from going multigenerational. It happens automatically. This rhythm is that powerful.

And I’m not talking about the quick weeknight meal championed by many family ministries, where we eat fast and talk faster before everyone scatters back to their individual pursuits.

No, we’re talking about a practice of a meal that feels almost timeless—an evening where no one has someplace better to go. We are here to spend a whole evening together, to laugh, to share, to grieve, to play, to dance, to cook, to clean, to tell stories, and to live fully into our family identities of father/mother, brother/sister, son/daughter.

I know many of you reading this are leading families at various stages, so let me outline a practical first step toward achieving this.

• For young families with healthy parents nearby: Practice this with your small immediate family first. Once you get this down, invite your parents to these periodically, and only invite them weekly if it’s healthy and you all look forward to spending time together. If not, see the next option.

• For young families with unhealthy parents: You can try this once or twice to see if it will work, but if not, please don’t get discouraged. This rhythm is still for you and your family. The only difference is that you will achieve three generations when your kids have kids. That’s OK. It’s a considerable achievement. It took generations for your family to become broken, and it will take generations to heal your family, but if you do this well, your grandchildren will never know a time before the experience of this multigenerational meal.

• For young families with healthy parents far away: Let your parents experience this when they come for a visit. Have them share stories. Give them a seat of honor. Let them know this happens every week. Their visits will likely get longer and more frequent, and at some point in the future, a move is likely to happen in your direction.

• For families with older kids: Tread carefully here. Your kids may have been trained that family should always be sacrificed on the altar of personal preferences. It usually takes a father, repenting to his teens, that he has led them toward hyperindividualism, and a request to get their buy-in on a new experimental practice. Ask them to agree to try this for two months. Let them help with the menu and activities, and sometimes invite friends. They have to want to do this for this to take hold in the next generation.

• For grandparents with adult kids: Make this easy on your adult kids. Make it an amazing experience for your grandkids. Maybe start once a month to not overwhelm your adult kids, and make it more frequent after they love this rhythm and you have their buy-in.

Everyone can slowly and steadily move their family toward a practice of 3 generations, 1 table, every week.

If we focus our efforts on this single metric, the broken Western family will be something our great-grandchildren will only know about through studying our sad and confused period of history.