Are Mansplaining and Maximizing Privilege Skills of a Good Father?

We rarely pay attention to the way an argument is framed.

But looking at something from the proper frame is often half the battle in trying to see a concept correctly.

Today’s western culture has an obsession with framing things in terms of things like gender and race.

This causes our culture to determine whether an action is virtuous primarily through uncovering whether the actor is a member of an oppressor group or a victim group.

The solution to this inequity is for members born with the wrong gender or race to shut up, step down and get out of the way.

But is this the best framing for the flourishing of a society?

Ancient cultures almost universally adopted a different framing for most of these issues: the family.

For example, instead of grouping men and women by their gender identity they would see them through their family identities as fathers and mothers or future fathers and future mothers.

This framing reveals that men and women are primarily on a team working together to build families. What is good for fathers is good for mothers and what is good for both is good for children.

One of the casualties of thinking of men and women as two teams opposed to one another is that many elements of fatherhood that build up families have been reframed as toxic male practices that oppress women.

The impact of this framing is that men are becoming weaker fathers which in turn hurts mothers and children.

I’ve noticed this because as I’ve engaged in certain traditional fatherhood practices I felt myself hesitating wondering if I’m doing harm. But what I quickly realized is this: if the proper frame is that I’m a man oppressing women perhaps I should reconsider these practices. But when I frame these same practices in terms of my role as a father building a family these same practices become, not only normal, but essential.

Here are a couple of examples:

Mansplaining. This refers to the tendency that men have to interject explanations in the midst of a conversation and it’s being framed as condescending especially when women are in the conversation.

But before we condemn this practice let’s first ask why men tend to do this so often that it has become a cultural meme?

The obvious answer from a family frame is because they are likely either a father or a future father. An essential skill of fatherhood is to constantly explain things to children. Before schools existed the main way children were educated was by the endless strings of explanations coming from their father. 

Personally I struggled with this skill. I had a fatherhood mentor who corrected me for not mansplaining enough. Each of my kids were spending a day per week with me and as we drove in the car I’d find myself lost in thought. I’m an internal processor. My mentor told me I had to verbalize my processing. When you turn left say out loud, “I’m turning left because…” and just explain what’s happening in your head. In other words, learn to mansplain. He mansplained to me that my kids feed on the constant, impulsive explanations of their father.

The Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology published the discovery that a father’s constant verbal processing is one of primary variables in the language acquisition of their children.

Can mansplaining be annoying and feel condescending at times? Of course, but a wise culture can step back and understand that this tendency exists to build up the family. This sometimes dense dad is practicing an essential part of his fatherhood. When the term of mansplaining is embraced uncritically by a culture in a way that shames fathers, that man’s family grows weaker.

So men, embrace mansplaining. Do your best to avoid being annoying, but if the tradeoff is between strong fathers and an occasional annoyance or weaker families, a wise culture will defend fatherhood for the sake of the children. So keep explaining.

But do we want families to be strong?

That brings us to a second example: maximizing privilege.

Do you believe that it's good for a father to maximize his privilege?

Abraham did.

Chapter after chapter in Genesis about the life of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob tells the story of fathers in a family line trying to figure out how to maximize the blessings they received from God so that their increasingly influential family could be a blessing to other families.

As God said, “through you all the families on Earth will be blessed.”

Maximizing your family privilege is hardwired into men because it’s an essential part of good fatherhood.

A wise dad wants his ceiling to be his children’s floor.

You are willing to sacrifice so much of your life so that your children and your grandchildren get to experience a greater amount of spiritual, relational, intellectual, physical and financial abundance than you experienced.

This is fatherhood 101.

But here’s the framing problem at work again. Is privilege something that one race has at the expense of another race? In that framing it would seem that maximizing one’s privilege is actually a racial question and not a family question. Maximize privilege only if you are a member of an oppressed race and minimize your privilege if your children are born with the wrong skin color.

Not only is this idea racist, but making this the primary framing is actually anti-family.

If this is the main way to view privilege what it seems you should do if your kids are members of the wrong race is to ensure your floor is their ceiling. 

But is that the best framing from which to view privilege?

Again, ancient cultures saw accumulating advantages primarily from the framing of the multigenerational family.

Growing the amount of good will your family can utilize to further the family is a basic duty of every father regardless of what race he happens to be a part of.

The Bible adopts that frame and adds to it the Gospel message that family blessing exists to be a blessing to other families. Gain privilege as a means to bless others.

So Dad, never be ashamed of working to further your family. Blessing your family does not come at the expense of other families. If you’re raising your family to be a blessing then we want your family to have all the privileges possible.

Grow your relational network and introduce your kids to those you admire.

Multiply your finances and pass down an inheritance

Develop your intellect and sharpen young minds.

Above all cultivate a deep walk with God and go on mission to bless others. 

We must become increasingly aware of how concepts are framed.

Let’s not someday find ourselves in a world where it’s a bad thing to be a good father and good to be a bad father.