How Play and Presence Define the Good Modern Father

Addendum to my thoughts about Fatherhood from Bluey

I’ve been exploring the reason so many dads I know so deeply resonate with the depiction of fatherhood in the kid’s show Bluey and I received a great question from a dad that I want to think through here. (See my first essay)

“What’s the difference between the dads pushing strollers in Israel kind of father and the Bluey dad constantly playing imaginative games with his daughters?”

He’s referring to a moment I describe in my book Family Revision when, as a 23-year-old single guy I saw a group of fathers pushing strollers in Jerusalem with lots of little kids in tow, which triggered my exploration into fatherhood that ended with me embracing building a family team.

It would seem that encountering a culture of present fathers was what got me excited about fatherhood, which is the same kind of father we see depicted in Bluey right?

No, not really.

I can see the confusion though so let me try and tease these two pictures apart.

The difference is that what got me was not seeing a dad playing with his kids which I had seen (and experienced) but a culture of fathers embracing building large family teams which I had not encountered. 

When I asked what motivated them to have so many kids their one-word answer was Abraham. Abraham modeled a passion for creating a large multigenerational family.

(By the way, this doesn’t mean this doesn’t apply to small families. I’m constantly getting messages from parents of small families saying I’m demeaning small families when I celebrate the vision of the large family. Abraham himself was physically unable to fulfill this vision until his very old age after his wife Sarah died. There’s nothing wrong with having a small family and there are some very good reasons for having a small family but as you’ll see there is a tension between desiring a small family and the Abrahamic vision of family that is worth exploring.)

I’m also aware of how vastly superior Bandit is to the absent or abusive father which was such a prominent experience for kids in my generation. Many are comparing Bandit to that kind of father and wonder where I get off. The biblical bar for fatherhood is quite high and I want to call men up to the highest calling that I see in Scripture.

Let me summarize the differences between the Bandit (Bluey’s dad) vision of the playmate dad and the Abrahamic ideal of the multigenerational visionary father/leader that I learned from observing Jewish fathers. This list of course is my projection on both Bandit and Abraham and each point is debatable but here’s how I see it so please keep in mind the things I attribute to Bandit include:

• Some elements I think are good in moderation

• Some are more the role of the mother 

• Some that make the Abrahamic vision of fatherhood more difficult

I’m hoping this sparks a conversation because these are only my personal impressions and projections.

1. Bandit wants to play with kids. 
   Abraham wants to train his kids

2. Bandit wants to submit to the vision of his children. 
   Abraham wants to sweep his kids into a greater family vision.

3. Bandit wants to maximize time with his kids when they are children. 
   Abraham wants to maximize time with his kids when they are adults 

4. Bandit's primary domain of fatherhood is with young children in the home
   Abraham expresses fatherhood by multiplying the resources of family through work 

5. Bandit wants to experience being his kid’s play toy
   Abraham wants his kids to respect him, honor him, and obey his voice

6. Bandit wants to spend time in his kid’s made-up world
   Abraham wants his kids to spend time with him in his adult world

7. Bandit wants to maximize present fun
   Abraham wants to maximize future impact

8. Bandit represents the peak of fatherhood with young children in the home.
   Abraham sees peak fatherhood as being a grandfather or great-grandfather surrounded by generations of his children

9. Bandit sees the father ideally as meeting the emotional desires of a small number of kids
   Abraham sees fatherhood ideally as leading an ever-growing dynamic team

Let me say as I conclude that I think playing and imagining with your kids is great. Many of you are wondering why can’t you be both. Yes, with many of these that will work. My objection is how the playmate/playtoy dad is defining the good father. It’s a small element of fatherhood and in my opinion even optional so I’m not a fan of this archetype growing as the ideal. We need clarity on this more than ever so I’m sticking my neck out there to try and challenge this picture.

Remember this is intended to begin a conversation on the podcast and I look forward to pushbacks and help to find my blind spots.